Because LOVE is selfless.

kays. Firstly, there will not be anymore him or her in this post. In this post, names will be written. Anyway there are only a handful of people who know my blog. So it doesn't really matter. I am rather confuse now so i hope i still can get my idea across to you guys.

First message is for nicholas. I'm not use to call you nicholas but i have to. I am sorry for all the Fs i used earlier on but i am really angry when you hang up my call. You may not think that you have raised your voice but to me you did. You know how sensitive i am towards the way you talked to me after that incident. Every time when you raise your voice even just a little, you just reminds me of it. Its scary. That incident really left a great impact on me. And you know that. And it really hurts to hear that you hanged up my call. I could have called you back and hang up you know. I dunno. You just made me feel so.... Every time when i see you posting stuff like that i will break down without fail. Its not that i still want to get back together with you but feelings just come to me. I really don't hate you. How could i even bear to do so. I was just blinded by my anger. There were so many things i said just to make you go away. Just to make it seemed easier for us to stop contacting. We need one side to be harsh and cold-blooded so that this will go the correct way. And i choose to be the one. There are so many things to say but as i type, they just fade off i dunno why. Now i dunno what i'm suppose to write. But nvm. You wont even get to read this and you wont have the chance too. Just to write these stuff to prevent myself frm emo-ing too much.

Second message is to Dawn. Laoma, you know how important you are to me. I told you almost everything that happened in my life. You are the first person from the clique other than nich to hear me cry so badly through the phone. You are the person i trusted so much. Yet, for some unknown reasons i just cant turn to you for advice after the last call we had. Things are happening too fast and i dont know how to explain it to you. I'm sorry.

Third message is to hy. I know that you are unhappy with me and with the things i have done to nich. I dont blame you. And i really appreciate how much you love nich as your friend and how much you cared bout him. I also appreciate the times when you text me and tried to understand the situation. I am sorry that i didnt really explain it to you as i think that i'm not close to you. I am not afraid to say this as this is what i really feel. If we were to be placed in a locked room, we will be doing our own stuff and not talking to each other. Because we both know that we dont really know each other that well. Somehow you really became part of the clique only when you started to date cy. We didnt really been through much together, at least for the both of us. And i did that just to protect myself because i don't trust you yet. You have your group of friends and i have to filter out my problems before telling you just to prevent leakage of my info. because i dont want to be gossiped. I dont want to be the topic ppl talk about after dinner, just to fill up their spare time.

Forth message is to the rest of the clique. You guys are the dearest to me. Its ok if you have nth to talk to me now or you dont feel lyk doing so. You guys are still the most awesome ppl on earth. Usually ppl will say that they dont mind what i've done or say that we are still friends. But that is just the surface thing that ppl do to make the situation less awkward. I know all these and i understand that i have put you guys in a difficult position. Somehow i just feel that i am a random person in the clique who simply tags along with the group. If its not for the r/s i had with nich, i will still be the one who will follow behind the clique and not being noticed. No matter what, you guys really filled my sec sch life with joy. Thanks buddies.

The fifth message is for my love. Didnt mean to put you at the last but i know you wont mind. I know this is unfair to you because ppl tend to think that its you fault for causing all these. But you are not. This like this will happen sooner or later even without your presence. Just dont blame yourself ok? I'm sorry everyday, every time there will be something that spoils our day without fail. I will try to make up to you. Its just that not everything can be settled in a few week's time. Especially when dealing with feelings. They wont go away just lyk that. I am not saying that i have anything with nich but you know, when i see or hear things related to him, feelings just come back to me lyk that. One of the main thing i lyk about going out with you is that you also have your own way to make us feel lyk we are living in our own world. The world we want it to be. I lyk it. Beacause when i'm with you i dont have to worry much. You will take care of everything. i know you dont feel to good now. I'm sry all these are happening to you. You deserve better.

hey people, many think that i have changed alot for the past few months. I did. You may think that why zhuona is using all the F now, why she become lyk dat. Actually, i am all along lyk that. Just that i used to suppress my feelings and refrain myself to writing such stuff because in the eyes of many, i am a good decent girl. And i played along with everyone since they lyk me to be that way. And also i didnt really have a place for me to write down what i wanted to. Now i've got it ! So since this is my blog, i will write it in whatever way i lyk.

i dunno whether to publicize my blog or not. somehow i what people to know its presence but somehow i dont want it too. Its the feeling i've got when i'm really hungry yet dont feel lyk eating anything. I dunno if i do it, more ppl will suffer. One of the reasons why i dont want to publicize is that many cant post what they really what to say in their blog afterwards. haiz.

i feel so bad now. i want to cry again. i miss my love. i wan you now